Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
