If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize