on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
