i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
