I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
