My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
