hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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