vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
