i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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