Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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