my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
