He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just had sex bonerless
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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