Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
