the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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