i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
