I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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