Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
