pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
