you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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