ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
