sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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