my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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