just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
