You can't special order awesome
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
