There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
