a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I could make wine with my vomit
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
