I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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