On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
