Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
