Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize