I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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