Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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