put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
