After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize