I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry my hands just texted you
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i out mim tonsoeep
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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