So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
