Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
