were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
