i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
