I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
