Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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