I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
