Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
