I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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