I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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