Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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