Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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