im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
