she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
