Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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