it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
