Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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