So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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