Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
