Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You pole danced in your parka.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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