fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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