I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
