bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
