So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
