i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
