life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
