I will die if light touches me.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
